Hi John, A bit of a long one here. When I first met my now husband it was like a soul connection – indescribable, but something inside me recognised him and vice versa – like we were destined to meet in this life. I live with a fear that he will die before me – stemming from one or more of three things: a fear of loneliness and spending many years/decades alone, lonely and impoverished just waiting for death (just as I had a miserable childhood where I was both emotionally, and at times physically, neglected and alone – a sort of unconscious fear of returning to this state I think); (2) we have the most incredible intimate bond and being in relationship with him has allowed me to heal many of my childhood wounds – losing him would be losing my heart and feeling myself rip in two, a grief I don’t want to experience – it just feels unsurvivable; (3) I once had a past life regressionist tell me that he was my husband in a former life and he died young in a horse accident while we had two young kids and this was our chance at a ‘do over’ (although I don’t know how true this is). We’ve just had our second child, and so all of this is rising up for me now – despite my fear we’ve built a beautiful life together and I haven’t let it stop me. I’ve journalled about the fear, been to therapy, done all the things, but it remains. Kicker is, however, that since I’m a woman it actually is more likely that he will die before me and I’ll turn into a miserable lonely person just waiting for death. A part of me wishes we'd never met because I would never have built a life that is so beautiful that the grief of losing it would be so intense. My questions are as follows: (1) What occult means can be used to make new friends – I’d like to build a community of real and enduring friendships to support each other through deaths, griefs and into our old ages? I’m talking the type of friends who actually show up in real life, not just internet ones. (2) I’m in desperate need of a spiritual teacher/mentor and have been for some time now – but it seems almost impossible to find a ‘legit’ one. Are there any occult means (prayer etc. – open to anything except the usual exclusions with small kids) to help me find one (hopefully in my localish area)? (3) How does one find a broader meaning and purpose in life? A part of me feels like I’ve always been just waiting to die – I hate that I was born.
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branchandroot
On love, grief and life
Date: 2024-12-23 05:46 am (UTC)A bit of a long one here. When I first met my now husband it was like a soul connection – indescribable, but something inside me recognised him and vice versa – like we were destined to meet in this life.
I live with a fear that he will die before me – stemming from one or more of three things: a fear of loneliness and spending many years/decades alone, lonely and impoverished just waiting for death (just as I had a miserable childhood where I was both emotionally, and at times physically, neglected and alone – a sort of unconscious fear of returning to this state I think); (2) we have the most incredible intimate bond and being in relationship with him has allowed me to heal many of my childhood wounds – losing him would be losing my heart and feeling myself rip in two, a grief I don’t want to experience – it just feels unsurvivable; (3) I once had a past life regressionist tell me that he was my husband in a former life and he died young in a horse accident while we had two young kids and this was our chance at a ‘do over’ (although I don’t know how true this is).
We’ve just had our second child, and so all of this is rising up for me now – despite my fear we’ve built a beautiful life together and I haven’t let it stop me. I’ve journalled about the fear, been to therapy, done all the things, but it remains. Kicker is, however, that since I’m a woman it actually is more likely that he will die before me and I’ll turn into a miserable lonely person just waiting for death. A part of me wishes we'd never met because I would never have built a life that is so beautiful that the grief of losing it would be so intense.
My questions are as follows:
(1) What occult means can be used to make new friends – I’d like to build a community of real and enduring friendships to support each other through deaths, griefs and into our old ages? I’m talking the type of friends who actually show up in real life, not just internet ones.
(2) I’m in desperate need of a spiritual teacher/mentor and have been for some time now – but it seems almost impossible to find a ‘legit’ one. Are there any occult means (prayer etc. – open to anything except the usual exclusions with small kids) to help me find one (hopefully in my localish area)?
(3) How does one find a broader meaning and purpose in life? A part of me feels like I’ve always been just waiting to die – I hate that I was born.