Apologies in advance for the long post, I felt that the background was necessary.
I had a very strange experience about a month ago that I've been wanting to ask you about, but I felt it best to wait, for reasons I'll get into. First, a bit of background. I've been of a generally unhappy disposition for most of my life, since I was around 12 (I'm 26.) There are probably lots of reasons for this, some of which I'm trying to work through emotionally, and mentally, but there's one area in particular that pertains to what happened to me recently. I have always struggled with *doing* things. I'm always making plans in my mind to start projects, or change some aspect of my life, then never following through. I also get discouraged very, very easily. This seems to have happened since I was very young. My mum once told me that the first time I tried to walk, I fell down, and I didn't try again for nearly a year after that. (I don't know enough about astrology to tell, but I'm sure there's something in my birthday chart that would indicate this.) Anyways, these two things definitely make my life harder, which brings me to the interesting experience I had recently.
I was sitting behind my work, and I suddenly had... A revelation? A communication? I'm really not sure how to describe it. Out of nowhere, I "saw" (not really in my mind's eye, but almost outside it) four shapes that looked sort of like puzzle pieces, but not quite, fit together. They had a green glow around them, but everything else was black, so I could only see this sort of smoky green outline. As this happened, I suddenly had this knowledge, or understanding that "If you keep doing what makes you miserable, misery is guaranteed. Even if happiness is uncertain, you may as well try for it. Otherwise you are guaranteed to be miserable." I didn't hear these exact words, or hear anything for that matter. I just suddenly knew this. And I mean I knew it internally in a way that comes from more than just a normal understanding. I've heard advice like "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten," and the like before. But this was an understanding of that concept on a deeper level. As though suddenly I knew it to be true.
So, I went back to work. I finished up what I had to do that night (I work in a restaurant, not that it's really relevant,) and went home. The next day, I woke up, and got the inspiration to write a book. Now, I've had plenty of inspiration to do things before, I've been told I'm a very creative person, and all that. But normally, I'd get the inspiration, maybe work on it for a bit, then just start fantasizing about how awesome it will be when I'm done, and never look at it again. This time was different. I sat down, and began to work on the book. And I worked, and worked, and worked. I haven't stopped. I've spent hours every day working on this for about a month now. It's also affected other parts of my life. I'm not putting things off anymore like I used to. I'm suddenly getting things done. I'm moving out of a place with a lot of bad memories, I'm looking for a job I like. And all this through a pretty nasty sickness I dealt with for two weeks or so. I suddenly don't like doing a lot of the things that have been keeping me in bad situations.
My question is, what on earth happened? Was this my guardian genius, a deity, my mental sheath? I've never had such a period of productivity before unless it was forced by something like a school deadline (and usually put off until the absolute last minute.) I waited a while to post about it to see if it would wear off, but it hasn't. This is really crazy to me. I should also point out that this doesn't seem to be some sort of manic episode, as I've experienced my normal emotional ups, and downs during this time. I still get sad about things, I still get angry, etc, these emotions just don't seem to hinder me as much as they used to. What might I be dealing with?
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branchandroot
A Strange, Yet Welcome Change
Date: 2024-08-19 10:34 pm (UTC)Apologies in advance for the long post, I felt that the background was necessary.
I had a very strange experience about a month ago that I've been wanting to ask you about, but I felt it best to wait, for reasons I'll get into.
First, a bit of background. I've been of a generally unhappy disposition for most of my life, since I was around 12 (I'm 26.) There are probably lots of reasons for this, some of which I'm trying to work through emotionally, and mentally, but there's one area in particular that pertains to what happened to me recently. I have always struggled with *doing* things. I'm always making plans in my mind to start projects, or change some aspect of my life, then never following through. I also get discouraged very, very easily. This seems to have happened since I was very young. My mum once told me that the first time I tried to walk, I fell down, and I didn't try again for nearly a year after that. (I don't know enough about astrology to tell, but I'm sure there's something in my birthday chart that would indicate this.) Anyways, these two things definitely make my life harder, which brings me to the interesting experience I had recently.
I was sitting behind my work, and I suddenly had... A revelation? A communication? I'm really not sure how to describe it. Out of nowhere, I "saw" (not really in my mind's eye, but almost outside it) four shapes that looked sort of like puzzle pieces, but not quite, fit together. They had a green glow around them, but everything else was black, so I could only see this sort of smoky green outline. As this happened, I suddenly had this knowledge, or understanding that "If you keep doing what makes you miserable, misery is guaranteed. Even if happiness is uncertain, you may as well try for it. Otherwise you are guaranteed to be miserable." I didn't hear these exact words, or hear anything for that matter. I just suddenly knew this. And I mean I knew it internally in a way that comes from more than just a normal understanding. I've heard advice like "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten," and the like before. But this was an understanding of that concept on a deeper level. As though suddenly I knew it to be true.
So, I went back to work. I finished up what I had to do that night (I work in a restaurant, not that it's really relevant,) and went home. The next day, I woke up, and got the inspiration to write a book. Now, I've had plenty of inspiration to do things before, I've been told I'm a very creative person, and all that. But normally, I'd get the inspiration, maybe work on it for a bit, then just start fantasizing about how awesome it will be when I'm done, and never look at it again. This time was different. I sat down, and began to work on the book. And I worked, and worked, and worked. I haven't stopped. I've spent hours every day working on this for about a month now. It's also affected other parts of my life. I'm not putting things off anymore like I used to. I'm suddenly getting things done. I'm moving out of a place with a lot of bad memories, I'm looking for a job I like. And all this through a pretty nasty sickness I dealt with for two weeks or so. I suddenly don't like doing a lot of the things that have been keeping me in bad situations.
My question is, what on earth happened? Was this my guardian genius, a deity, my mental sheath? I've never had such a period of productivity before unless it was forced by something like a school deadline (and usually put off until the absolute last minute.) I waited a while to post about it to see if it would wear off, but it hasn't. This is really crazy to me. I should also point out that this doesn't seem to be some sort of manic episode, as I've experienced my normal emotional ups, and downs during this time. I still get sad about things, I still get angry, etc, these emotions just don't seem to hinder me as much as they used to. What might I be dealing with?
Thanks as always for hosting this space.
Duncan