Santa Must Die

[ecosophia]

To my great misfortune, I had to go out to buy groceries today. That's normally not so traumatic a process, but of course the holiday season is upon us, and that means that the auditory glurge dribbling down on everyone's heads from the omnipresent loudspeakers in the grocery market was Christmas music.

No, let's take that back, it was holiday music. I didn't hear a single song referencing the kid who was born in a stable in Bethlehem. It was all about gifts and snow and cheer and boughs of holly, gummed to death by singers who'd apparently just rinsed their mouths in corn syrup, and accompanied by the kind of instrumentalists who weren't good enough to keep their previous jobs playing elevator music. Bland, pasty, and fake, it slithered with plastic sentiment to a degree notably worse than last year's -- and last year's was pretty bad. 

Of course it didn't help that every five minutes, by the clock, one of those canned female voices trotted out the same three lectures on social distancing et al., in a tone so full of insincere emotion that dishonest used car salesmen would gulp in disbelief. All in all, it made me want to cultivate a taste for death metal. 

So I'd like to extend my condolences to my Christian readers, who've had one of their two holiest days hijacked by this sort of bovine waste product, and since this holiday season has been cancelled by order of a variety of governments, I'd like to raise the possibility that maybe it's time for a little pushback. No, it probably won't work to try to get the grocery markets to stop having their loudspeakers drool on the shoppers, but maybe there are other options -- Santa-free zones?  The Ebenezer Scrooge Appreciation Society?  Krampustide celebrations? Inquiring Druids want to know. 

Comments

[methylethyl]

I propose "Make the Nativity Secret Again".

Traditionally, Pascha (Easter) was Christendom's big, public, Announce-the-Good-News-to-the-world, processions-in-the-streets Big High Holy Day, and Christmas, the Feast of the Nativity, was its polar opposite: a celebration of the secret, hidden mystery of the incarnation and of the Holy Virgin, who the church sort of... protected. The earth offers a cave. God humbles Himself. We bow in wonder. This is not an occasion for commercial glurge.

IMO, we should simply ignore the, uh, commercial holiday, move our celebrations back to Jan 6, and keep the Nativity Fast: no parties, no meat, etc. for the forty days preceding.

Christians, at least. The rest of y'all should do what you like ;)

I had to go to the store today, and was subjected to the same repeating reminders about socialist dancing and the right way to cough, and the most emotionally overwrought rendition of "Frosty the Snowman" I've ever heard. Uuuunnngh!

[ecosophia]

Uuuunngh indeed. I hope more Christians follow your advice.

[(Anonymous)]

If it helps, I once worked in a department store, and went up to the electronic cabinet that played the christmas music, and turned it off. Upon being marched into the manager's office, I passionately explained how the store's sales would increase markedly if it advertised itself as the one store in town that didn't play annoying christmas music. I kept my job, but the music was turned back on.

[ecosophia]

Definitely the right spirit; it's too bad that they didn't take your advice.

Xmas music assault

[(Anonymous)]

I couldn't agree more. As a Christian I find the hijacking of Christmas by the malevolent God of the market to be particularly distressing. My favourite pet peeve is an annual occurrence on one of our local radio stations where a treacley story ends with riff proclaiming that it "feel like Christmas on (the call letters of the station)". More than once I have had to turn the radio off to prevent me from driving head on into a semi-trailer to end the experience. Yes, it certainly feels like marketing on that station, as if that is the only signifance of the season.

Thanks for the posting

Raymond R

Re: Xmas music assault

[ecosophia]

I can sympathize. It suddenly strikes me as unfortunate that there's no Christian death metal --

Oh, wait. Is there?

[(Anonymous)]

The emphasis on Christ came to be seen as excluding, so it morphed into Happy Holidays, or something.

At least the snow celebrates nature.

[ecosophia]

Let me try to parse this logic. Music about Jesus is excluding, and excluding is bad, so we must exclude music about Jesus! Oh, wait...

[open_space]

It really does hurt right? I might use earplugs next time I have to run down to the super market. Salesmas reached Mexico not so long ago and I am afraid it is taking over so I am up for pushback.

I propose something that would annoy the hell out of them, though a little vengeful, maybe installing speakers that play good music in black Friday and the week of Christmas outside stores and pasting good art on top of ads. I propose something mild first, like a carol or two, some slow jazz and I think we should finish it with Venus by Gustav Holtz.

[ecosophia]

A case could be made...

Red, Green, or Christmas?

[(Anonymous)]

My experience here in Albuquerque -- as a recent transplant from the PNW -- has been surprisingly different. The houses with lights include a sizeable percentage of manger scenes. Most of the music in shops has been non-holiday, but I definitely heard and instrumental "O Holy Night" the other day. No Santas or bell-ringers that I've encountered. It occasionally slips my mind what time of year it is.

Caveat: I stay away from the big-name and big-box stores by habit, and haven't been downtown in a while, so it may be different there.

Re: Red, Green, or Christmas?

[ecosophia]

That's delightful to hear. I'm glad that the entire nation hasn't become Glurgistan for the holidays...

[(Anonymous)]

I live in Belsnickel territory and he feel very present this year.

[ecosophia]

Hmm! I don't think I'd heard of Belsnickel before. I found an article on him on the lousy online encyclopedia, but it's, well, the lousy online encyclopedia -- can you recommend other sources about him?

Music-free shopping

[slclaire]

I would be happy if only the stores would let us shop without imposing any so-called "music" on us of any sort, if in fact what comes out from their PA systems actually deserves the label of music.

Re: Music-free shopping

[ecosophia]

Oh dear gods, yes. There's a reason I had a character in The Shoggoth Concerto describe piped in music as "sky syrup."

[(Anonymous)]

This is Advent for us Christians (and I expect Lady Cutekitten will get in before me, or MethylEthyl).

Christmas starts on Christmas and extends to Epiphany or, if you're hardcore, to Candlemas. Please, feel free to join me in lighting candles now, and in putting up Christmas decorations on Christmas Eve, and keeping them up for a whole forty days.

If you are a Christian of non-Liturgical background, any of the Liturgical churches will have some discussion of the beginning of our New Year and what we're doing. Also, we have one of, if not the oldest known still used songs, that's seasonal to Advent, from the 4th Century: Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence. The usual tune these days is pretty modern, Picardy, being medieval, but the lyrics are old.

4th verse, as a taste:
At his feet the six-winged seraph, Cherubim with sleepless eye, Veil their faces to the presence, As with ceaseless voice they cry, Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia, Lord most high!

We need more songs with six-winged seraphim if you ask me, as counter to the pop-winged-human-style angels.

Curmudgeonly yours,
BoysMom

[ecosophia]

Many thanks for this. I wonder if it would be possible to find one of the old tunes for that hymn -- songs about seraphim strike me as very sensible just now.

[(Anonymous)]

My way of protesting Fake Christmas (not to mention the SJW war on Christmas) is to put up Christian Christmas decorations and listen to songs about Baby Jesus. And for the record, I'm not a Christian...

Of course, before I do this I go on a crazy web-based shopping spree for books, including the concluding volumes of a certain Druid-related fantasy hyper-trilogy...

😉

Tidlösa (Sweden)

[ecosophia]

I find most Christian Christmas songs highly listenable, and moving, so I may try that. Thank you!

[(Anonymous)]

Your comment about wanting to cultivate a taste for death metal made me laugh: I have such a taste, and this is one of the many benefits to it: my family and I have an armed truce every year around Christmas with regards to music: they don't subject me to Christmas music, and I don't subject them to death metal.

Your post actually raises a question I've been thinking about recently: if music can and is used to such good effect in magical and religious contexts, is it possible that part of why a lot of us find modern Christmas music so offensive is that it's doing something magical but repulsive? It's not even just that the music is bad, nor that it's omnipresent: you can say the same thing about pop music, and while a lot of people complain about it, few people despise it with nearly the passion that holiday music inspires.

I wonder if Christmas music is part of how Salesmas works: the music seems designed to induce maximum consumerism. Which, for those of us who dislike consumerism would of course be incredibly repugnant....

[ecosophia]

That's an excellent point. Sometime when I've listened to three or four albums of Led Zeppelin and so can handle some glurge, I'll make a note of exactly what songs the local stores play for Glurgemas, and see if I can get a sense of the magical dimension of it.

Lefty Santa

[youngelephant]

I've not liked Christmas music since I exited childhood. Always been suspicious of people who do...

On another note, did you or anyone else hear about the "liberal santa" who told a kid he couldn't have a nerf gun for Christmas? https://www.marketwatch.com/story/liberal-santa-makes-kid-cry-by-telling-him-he-wont-give-him-a-gun-for-christmas-a-nerf-gun-that-is-11607456411

Apparently Santa comes with a side of politics nowadays.

Re: Lefty Santa

[ecosophia]

Another reason why Santa must die!

[(Anonymous)]

Have you ever read the (very) short story "Nackles" by Donald Westlake? It's from back in the '60s, and isn't terribly good, the American author being very creeped out by the fact that he has (unbeknownst to him) essentially just reinvented the Krampus. But in the introductory paragraphs, he makes the claim that's stuck with me, that Santa Claus is a god. In particular, he says " And don’t gods reflect their creators’ society? The Greeks had a huntress goddess, and gods of agriculture and war and love. What else would we have but a god of giving, of merchandising, and of consumption?" I'm not going to argue any sort of theology about whether or not there really is a deity of Santa Claus up there somewhere, or if he's a false god, or just a symbol, or whatever. That's well above my pay grade. But that Santa Claus, if a god at all, is a god of merchandising and of consumption...well! I think it makes a great deal of sense. It makes sense that a frenzied worship of such a symbol would be the central holiday around which the Modern American calendar spins, and it makes sense that the hymns offered in that season would be of the most insipid variety. And it makes sense that almost all of the most enduring of those insipid hymns were written in the postwar economic boom of the '40s and '50s (see here: http://adashofdata.com/2014/12/21/how-christmas-songs-have-evolved-over-time/ ) and that the ones written in more recent times are just even more insipid copies of insipid originals.

What does it all mean? I don't know; I'm not a wizard, just a guy who reads stuff written by one. But it seems like the kind of thing that could totter quite significantly when pushed against with some competence.

And on the subject of extreme metal, I do like listening to lo-fi black metal in the bleak mid-winter. The scratchy, uncompromising monophonic sounds both compliment the stark bareness of the scenery, and contrast with the wholly synthetic richness of commercial Santamas music.

[ecosophia]

That's an interesting point. I wonder what would happen if somebody with the necessary skills set out to exorcise the evil spirit of Santa...

[(Anonymous)]

I work in retail and have to listen to 8 hours of this stuff a day.
The store owner went to business school and learned that Christmas music encourages people to spend more money. Is it true? No idea!

Have you ever heard the song about the little boy buying shoes for his dying mom? Jeeze.

[ecosophia]

No, I managed to miss that. Or from friendly aliens from Zeta Reticuli erased it from my memories...

Eric Bogle

[peter_van_erp]

Has an appropriate song for the season: Santa Bloody Claus. (Warning: You Tube ahead, but the only visuals are in the ad)

Re: Eric Bogle

[ecosophia]

That's seriously funny. Thank you!

Real Christmas music!

[(Anonymous)]

Each year for about two weeks before Christmas, I love to listen to my collection that came from my parents' vinyl collection, which I digitized. They range in production date from 1954 to 1966. These have great sweeping orchestral productions of carols, or huge choir arrangements like the Mormon Tabernacle choir. They just don't make Christmas music like that anymore- or if they do, I've never heard any.

Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas Is You turned up on the Billboard year-end top 100 list yet again this year. That makes about the hundredth year in a row, when I saw it there I just wanted to barf...

Re: Real Christmas music!

[ecosophia]

Those records sound a lot more pleasant. As for Mariah Carey, yeah, that's a grade-A chowblower.

[lincoln_lynx]

Being the contrary sort, I'll say I find Christmas music no worse than what's usually on the radio, not that that means much. I don't mind Santa, snowmen, and typical Christmas trappings either. Krampus is way cooler though.

[ecosophia]

To each their own -- but no question, Krampus is seriously cool.

[(Anonymous)]

Ye gods, yes, that store music drives me up the wall!

Funny thing though, there was a Salvation Army volunteer outside the grocery store today, standing next to her little red cauldron, singing her heart out a
cappella Christmas carols.

God rest ye merry!

[ecosophia]

Good for her. I hope you put something in the cauldron.

[(Anonymous)]

Our local supermarket, and a number of others in New Zealand, have quiet hours scheduled for people on the spectrum to do their shopping. No music, dimmed lighting, chatting or talking on phones discouraged. My wife may have snuck in a time or two...

I have thought about hacking the muzak feed to play Cthulhu carols.

[ecosophia]

It must be nice to live in a civilized country!

A Harrowing True Story

[(Anonymous)]

Ah yes, the horrid sky syrup. I run a small business that makes body care products, and traditionally we would setup a booth within one or more local malls. One of the worst parts is the music, on repeat, for hours and hours (and hours and hours) every day. And the malls require that all booths must be open and manned during open hours, which get up to 16 hours a day during December. And no respite via an eldritch recorder ensemble either!

Happily, after 4 years of declining mall sales, we'll never be doing that again! Though I will miss utilizing the time to read dozens of occult texts every year. ;-)

[booklover1973]

Where I live, in Germany, we don't currently have any holiday music at all, but the ever-repeating admonitions about wearing masks are there, too, but not in grocery stores, instead of this, they are in buses, streetcars and trains.

Masks

[(Anonymous)]

Lots of people around the world have to wear masks and keep social distance to protect themselves. What kind of masks, I ask? Would it be a feasible plan to introduce Krampus masks? Since they are quite scary, I guess it might help the social dancing as well…

And the noise could be dealt with by the rattling of chains and shouting more and more loudly… A drawback: it might not be possible to ask people people to be quiet and calm once the holiday season and the virus were over.

We would be deaf soon, a solution of sorts. And over time people would probably develop new senses. A sense of nonsense, perhaps? 😊

___________________________________________
Have a nice moment surrounded by either the music or sounds you love or a deep, sparkling silence,
Marketa

[(Anonymous)]

You know, I think Krampustide might be feasible. It would attract reporters and thus get publicity.

—Lady Cutekitten

[jpc2]

Now if we could slip a few into the mix from the Carols put out by the H.P Lovecraft Historical Society....

One of my favorites is Death May Die - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9o8OWVWOE0
Reminds me of the first trip to Beijing - Nothing but Auld Lang Syne on Every speaker Everywhere! Death may die is much better...

Coop Janitor
Only one a day from from seven birds...

[ecosophia]

Those are great. I've written a piece along similar lines:

Do You Fear What I Fear

Said the night-gaunt to the little dhole
"Do you fear what I fear?
Lurking in the night, little dhole,
Do you fear what I fear?
A voice, a voice, rising from the sea
And it sounds like 'Tekeli-li!'
It sounds like 'Tekeli-li!'"

Said the little dhole to Nyarlathotep,
"Do you flee what I flee?
Herald of the dark Great Old Ones,
Do you flee what I flee?
A form, a form, hideous and dread,
With an octopus for a head,
With an octopus for a head."

Said Nyarlathotep to the Great Old One,
"Do you know what I know?
In your palace damp, Great Old One,
Do you know what I know?
A cult, a cult, chanting to the deep,
They will wake the Old Ones from sleep,
They will wake the Old Ones from sleep."

Said the Great Old One to the human race,
"I am Great Cthulhu!
Quake with fear, puny human race,
I am Great Cthulhu!
A time, a time, when the stars are right
I will plunge this world into night,
I will plunge this world into night!"

Good idea!

[(Anonymous)]

I would like to offer my services as a mascot for the Ebenezer Scrooge Appreciation Society. We will offer gingerbread men with stakes of holly through their hearts. They will be baked with salt and wormwood among the ingredients. We will distribute children's books in which the kindly Grinch liberates enslaved elves from a cruel despotic Santa.

Somewhere online is a photo of a Christmas display being installed or perhaps uninstalled: a life-size Rudolf dangles from the ceiling as though in flight; the rest of the reindeer lie on their sides on the floor far below. The caption reads, "The other reindeer made fun of Rudolf; so he killed them - all of them." This is the spirit of entertainment we wish to promote.

The figure of Krampus offers rich possibilities that I must ponder for a while.

Re: Good idea!

[ecosophia]

I like your ideas. The impaled gingerbread men are apt; I wonder how hard it would be to make them gingerbread vampires, to really mess up the symbolism...

The meta-celebration of Christmas

[(Anonymous)]

Along the same lines, one of my friends once observed that Christmas music no longer celebrates Christmas, it celebrates the celebration of Christmas. The lyrics are about the tree and lights and snow and presents -- all of the trappings of Christmas, but never Christmas itself.

I think this was inevitable once Christmas became a civil holiday instead of a religious one. Easter and Halloween have suffered a similar fate: the outward trappings have edged out the inner core, since bunnies and werewolves (and werebunnies) don't require the sort of religious commitment that makes the wholesale commercialization of the holiday just a little bit more difficult.

In the case of Christmas, we can actually trace the process to a single man: Charles Dickens. Prior to A Christmas Carol, it wasn't even that common to celebrate Christmas; IIRC the Catholic Church went back and forth on how important it was, and many Protestants saw it as Papist idolatry. Then Dickens' book came out and made Christmas respectable. So, ironically, an Ebenezer Scrooge Appreciation Society would be based on the character responsible for the thing it was protesting!

I'm personally conflicted because I actually quite like the outward trappings of these holidays, superficial as they are, but I also recognize what got lost in the process.

Re: The meta-celebration of Christmas

[ecosophia]

That's a fascinating point. I wonder...

Oh bright gods. Of course. Did you ever read The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe? Always winter and never Christmas...the White Witch has taken over!