So a lot has happened to me personally in my magical practice.
I've opened up to a few of the other posters here...but as this is relevant to my question I will share a bit of my journey. I have been studying occultism and doing the sphere of projection for some time now. In that time, I have let go of my unhealthy crutch of using alcohol to self medicate during the covid crisis as a front line RN.
I truly see how having a worldview and set of ethics that is not subject to the vagaries of popular opinion of the time is crucial to a strong sense of self in tough times. I truly thank all of you for allowing me to explore that and pointing me to modes of thinking that are both astounding in many senses but also explain/put a lot of things in their proper place in ways that I couldn't even begin to explain before.
So far so good.
But now I've been meditating for 15 minutes a day for about 3 months as per the Fellowship of the Hermetic Rose written by our wonderful host.
I've reached a strange point where I am so much more aware of my day to day actions. It's like realizing I was living life in a drowsy haze . Yet, in that awareness I have come to reach a very strange place of fear. It's hard to put into words but I feel more "raw", and wondering if I am psyching myself out in a detrimental way.
I can feel what most people would describe as a vibe a lot more, and things are making sense more in an intuitional way. However I have not made any contact with entities and a lot of my fear is that this all truly is in my head. That doing this is making me feel more disconnected as my immediate group has no way of talking to this and I can't even articulate it in a way that makes sense out loud to myself.
To compound it...being in the bay area the spiritually I am most exposed to is a type of Buddhism that bodes very well for productivity and breaks down the world into very observable/analytical parts: think of the focus on insight meditation alone a la Daniel Ingrams. But this worries me more because they talk about the insight of an inherent emptiness of life and experience.
Since I don't feel a particular connection to any unseen entities at the moment, I am concerned that there really are not any. Perhaps I am psyching myself into thinking such things exist because I selfishly would like to have a fully alive world. Yet, when I run into Buddhists/philosophers/advancef mediators such as Mr. Ingram it appears that my desire for an alive world may be just that: a desire. It appears to me that there is no guarantee that there is a world full of life to connect to.
I know that is a large preface. However, I want to lay out my thoughts in their entirety because I would like to ask:
How does one move past what feels like a wall of fear when meditating and why is this coming up in such a way?
Why do I have such intense feeling of disgust in ways I didn't before? Being a nurse I've seem it all, but lately the thought of me and my husband being made of bones and sinewy tendons...the corporality of our bodies is hitting me in such a different way. I can see it growing old and decaying in my minds' eye. It's strange but when I talk to my husband now I feel attracted to him still, and it hasn't changed how I relate to him but I think...how was I not aware od the physicality of this all before? How come my increased awareness is bringing up fear and disgust in such a way...it's like I didn't realize how fragile our little meat lives where before (intellectually I did obviously, and working in my profession doubly so, but now I am so gosh darn AWARE of it).
Also, why do some long term spiritual practitioners never speak of entities/living intelligences? Have they surmounted a different spiritual summit? Does it negate the possibility of a world with such life?
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branchandroot
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Date: 2024-06-10 06:43 am (UTC)I've opened up to a few of the other posters here...but as this is relevant to my question I will share a bit of my journey. I have been studying occultism and doing the sphere of projection for some time now. In that time, I have let go of my unhealthy crutch of using alcohol to self medicate during the covid crisis as a front line RN.
I truly see how having a worldview and set of ethics that is not subject to the vagaries of popular opinion of the time is crucial to a strong sense of self in tough times. I truly thank all of you for allowing me to explore that and pointing me to modes of thinking that are both astounding in many senses but also explain/put a lot of things in their proper place in ways that I couldn't even begin to explain before.
So far so good.
But now I've been meditating for 15 minutes a day for about 3 months as per the Fellowship of the Hermetic Rose written by our wonderful host.
I've reached a strange point where I am so much more aware of my day to day actions. It's like realizing I was living life in a drowsy haze . Yet, in that awareness I have come to reach a very strange place of fear. It's hard to put into words but I feel more "raw", and wondering if I am psyching myself out in a detrimental way.
I can feel what most people would describe as a vibe a lot more, and things are making sense more in an intuitional way. However I have not made any contact with entities and a lot of my fear is that this all truly is in my head. That doing this is making me feel more disconnected as my immediate group has no way of talking to this and I can't even articulate it in a way that makes sense out loud to myself.
To compound it...being in the bay area the spiritually I am most exposed to is a type of Buddhism that bodes very well for productivity and breaks down the world into very observable/analytical parts: think of the focus on insight meditation alone a la Daniel Ingrams. But this worries me more because they talk about the insight of an inherent emptiness of life and experience.
Since I don't feel a particular connection to any unseen entities at the moment, I am concerned that there really are not any. Perhaps I am psyching myself into thinking such things exist because I selfishly would like to have a fully alive world. Yet, when I run into Buddhists/philosophers/advancef mediators such as Mr. Ingram it appears that my desire for an alive world may be just that: a desire. It appears to me that there is no guarantee that there is a world full of life to connect to.
I know that is a large preface. However, I want to lay out my thoughts in their entirety because I would like to ask:
How does one move past what feels like a wall of fear when meditating and why is this coming up in such a way?
Why do I have such intense feeling of disgust in ways I didn't before? Being a nurse I've seem it all, but lately the thought of me and my husband being made of bones and sinewy tendons...the corporality of our bodies is hitting me in such a different way. I can see it growing old and decaying in my minds' eye. It's strange but when I talk to my husband now I feel attracted to him still, and it hasn't changed how I relate to him but I think...how was I not aware od the physicality of this all before? How come my increased awareness is bringing up fear and disgust in such a way...it's like I didn't realize how fragile our little meat lives where before (intellectually I did obviously, and working in my profession doubly so, but now I am so gosh darn AWARE of it).
Also, why do some long term spiritual practitioners never speak of entities/living intelligences? Have they surmounted a different spiritual summit? Does it negate the possibility of a world with such life?
Thank you for your time.