I apparently have a significant anger issue. Not that I act out, but rather suppress--acting out isn't polite, after all.
However, my spouse is a "sensitive" and something of an empath. For some time now, she has been on the energetic receiving end of my inner life. I get embroiled, regardless of how I mask it, and she embodies physical symptoms. (Some of these symptoms have resulted in urgent care visits but the doctors find nothing wrong. This has occurred on multiple occasions, so I cannot doubt the connection between us.)
But my spiritual path is frustrating. I have been asked to give up a number of things--my idealistic views of "how things ought to be," alcohol, sex, associations and relationships with "bad energy" attachments, intellectualization, any sort of map--and I have complied. Not always willingly and certainly not always joyfully, but I have complied because it has been made clear (through multiple modes of divine communication such as synchronicities, dreams, encounters, and the like) that these things are necessary. But I am cast forth on this path with no text, not tools, no community, no tradition; just my goddess and the handful of prayers I've created. It is a solitary path and I suspect that is for a reason--namely, that I learn to experience existence without the tools I've been accustomed to using. I can understand this and still not be happy about it. (I pointed out to my spouse that Job was deemed righteous and he complained vociferously. Needless to say, she did not look kindly upon that example.)
There is a part of me that feels violated in that I am not allowed to have my feelings on the matter, regardless of how private I keep them. She, on the other hand, feels violated by my energy as she is the one physically manifesting the symptoms. The only solution appears to be to not feel what I in fact feel.
How can I deal with this anger and frustration? My relationship with my spouse is being significantly impacted but I also cannot lie to myself about my feelings around the frustrations I have with my path and pretend that I don't feel what I feel. "Using different words" has been suggested, but that falls under pretending in my book. Do you have any suggestions?
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branchandroot
(no subject)
Date: 2023-08-07 02:11 pm (UTC)I apparently have a significant anger issue. Not that I act out, but rather suppress--acting out isn't polite, after all.
However, my spouse is a "sensitive" and something of an empath. For some time now, she has been on the energetic receiving end of my inner life. I get embroiled, regardless of how I mask it, and she embodies physical symptoms. (Some of these symptoms have resulted in urgent care visits but the doctors find nothing wrong. This has occurred on multiple occasions, so I cannot doubt the connection between us.)
But my spiritual path is frustrating. I have been asked to give up a number of things--my idealistic views of "how things ought to be," alcohol, sex, associations and relationships with "bad energy" attachments, intellectualization, any sort of map--and I have complied. Not always willingly and certainly not always joyfully, but I have complied because it has been made clear (through multiple modes of divine communication such as synchronicities, dreams, encounters, and the like) that these things are necessary. But I am cast forth on this path with no text, not tools, no community, no tradition; just my goddess and the handful of prayers I've created. It is a solitary path and I suspect that is for a reason--namely, that I learn to experience existence without the tools I've been accustomed to using. I can understand this and still not be happy about it. (I pointed out to my spouse that Job was deemed righteous and he complained vociferously. Needless to say, she did not look kindly upon that example.)
There is a part of me that feels violated in that I am not allowed to have my feelings on the matter, regardless of how private I keep them. She, on the other hand, feels violated by my energy as she is the one physically manifesting the symptoms. The only solution appears to be to not feel what I in fact feel.
How can I deal with this anger and frustration? My relationship with my spouse is being significantly impacted but I also cannot lie to myself about my feelings around the frustrations I have with my path and pretend that I don't feel what I feel. "Using different words" has been suggested, but that falls under pretending in my book. Do you have any suggestions?
--Sepia Befuddled Dragon