CODAS i owe youse guys on my March of "grown-up things to do" month...
(i climbed out of bed to get James' computer and write this before bed and the actual real March 1st day)
DJ-X1 and i eventually met after an amazing trippy courtship. his compliment broke me of Wardy's spell and after four years i was over Wardy after one long one-hour kiss outside our gym when he came up to me while i was dancing and broke in and hugged me and we kissed out there for at least an hour.
we never did that again. he kissed me again while dancing but i didn't know he was inside the gym and i reeked of raw garlic from spreading it on my bagel for the bite and he kissed me anyway and we were next to the homeless encampment and occasionally the whiff of fresh feces enveloped us.
it wasn't romantic but we courted nasty from afar and fought when he stood me up three times each time more evil and horrid until i realized i didn't know how to love and i fell to all fours before him at the gym in front of all his friends with a love letter in my mouth apologizing.
the looks in ALL their eyes showed me i didn't look as pathetic as i'd always assumed such a public position would look. i was santa claus and i was real to them! even the gay one!
anyhow when super stoic DJ-X1 picked up on my crush and wrote me that he liked curly hair, i was free of Wardy. i wrote about Wardy on my site long ago.
because i avoided Wardy that coming saturday because i knew he'd be able to read my eyes and i didn't have it in me to look away or avoid him because i said i'd do this thing of ours where i was all his to watch look at stare at while i was dancing or lifting weights and the thing i loved about him most was that he didn't CARE what anyone thought about him and i knew why
because he'd already been ...he'd already died and come back. no one had anything on King Daddy but he didn't know it
i couldn't fxck him in those four years because i knew he'd kill me / i was too soft now. when i died as i was i couldn't go back to being a hard bitch whore lady with fake swagger and cynicism anymore
although did i EVER? now i question everything over and over because answers do somersaults like the cat here with his future Aikido moves
speaking of future later Aikido moves mine that time i got beat up by the tweakers wasn't being chill smooth when it was all over; nah. coda to that part was as soon as i was in the bathtub washing up with James in the living room nearby, i sobbed and sobbed like a baby like the boy outside because yeah... i was one of THEM! why'd they have to do that?
my feelings were hurt. but violence... there's that break down nausea shaky part that comes after.
i had that earlier tonight about this seeming calm. that's why i'm actually hella worried ...it reminds me of that calm after a bad holiday when i'm shunned to my room nowhere to go no school everyone with their families then i'm let out after many fetal position cries and who REMEMBERS?
oh it's so good to see you again i love you yeah i'll be GOOD
and bam... before you know it there's a new fxcking variant which is really their crapped out immunities taking on lice and we're back to it because
covid hit a spot a love spot a romantic much needed in desperation romantic spot now that sexiness is dead and ukraine isn't.. well the protests again russia feel so... well like someone said about the U.S. convoy... something's MISSING...
so ADE may become their reclining wasting deaths. but no one dies like divas in america. not anymore.
and i fear they will have learned that too late.
two years in and we're all squinting into the sunlight of their "love" just like i did in high school when i stayed put because i wanted to be more RESPECTABLE stable...
but i was never more loved and cherished than when i was a runaway with the so-called riff raff
back to Wardy... so i didn't wanna go that saturday and have him see my eyes because even platonic nastiness and love letters so hot so mad i got slippery if i felt him in the room and he'd have to face walls to wait before he left
his shorts were big but if you read my site or saw the meme they made about him then you know weren't no shorts big enough to hide when that man was loving me the most
anyhow... so i didn't show on that saturday and when i went in monday his friend who was in love with him secretly too (we all knew) he told me he died of a heart attack in his sleep with his woman who dared take all him on
i was afraid. he'd be like inhaling a fire hydrant and i never was a size queen because in the bronx the boys looked at jordache asses in the street and said the women with gaps had huge loose vaginas inside
so i never wanted to be that stretched out where people could tell
urban myths stay just as long as these masks will
so Wardy died and i screamed and sobbed on my knees outside on the sidewalk until some construction workers came over and helped me breathe right
so DJ X1...
i chose him out of all of 'em there because i'd heard his show when i first moved here and he took me back to the bronx and how i felt and how the WORLD felt
disco was going on and pedophilia was everywhere in the open / that's why all the paybacks now
but it was brooke shields and calvins and jodie foster and last tango in paris buttery sodomy scenes and poofy fresh unapologetic pubic hair and
death. / it was all about their fears of death so they all wanted to drink the blood of virgins to be clean. myths about shtupping young girls to clear yourself of AIDS was the same archetypal story
but nothing is sexy anymore because you can't be bad and sex is all bad and nastiness and wrongness to be truly GOOD. at least to me. feminist porn only stresses me the hell out. i can't jerk off to sesame street. not yet anyhow.
let me consider a few more dogs first before i resort to googly eyed felty puppets.
although... on second thought...
anyhow:
DJ-X1
we met he picked me up outside Mission High across from Dolores and held hands and without my asking he answered every odd question i would've asked and it was perfect
but again not to be
all these ...affairs are better than ...well, i only recently admitted that i always get the best of people because once things go the expected routes it gets hella boring because everyone falls into the same old traps
i like to get people off guard and fresh new unexpected baby soft and full of wonder in their eyes
like once they glance at their phones it's time to go
being like this you get reputations and i go with it. they protect me. let people start rumours and create auras FOR you. auras of "stay away."
only the right ones will dare to venture for. right meaning it could be only 10 minutes before you're done.
nothing and everything doesn't have to be forever when you're naked like this. demand people respect the space you make open and leave for them...
like Papa G expects.
BE and ACT like The Pretty One. don't repeat it in any mirror. assume it in your bearing and the mirrors of people reflecting you back yourself will keep you going
it's hard to stand tall with your tits out in an era of neck horns and skinny flabby bodies dreams and morals
DJ-X1 told me out of nowhere he once got fired from a driving job for refusing to cut his locks. and i knew he was safe to love: because his god comes before any PERSON.
but he's a libra and libras i love because they're alpha that way. i love most about James that he will not let me take him down no matter how much he needs or loves me. for that i trust him to handle himself when i cannot handle MYSELF.
and i trust and need that kind of level headedness in this crazy world.
now you all see why.
and thus X1 is still one of the few people, along with the station manager, who did not go for the vax stories like everyone else there. one of the original founders died of two heart attacks after his vaccine.
no one but the station manager will admit it.
they cannot. and they LOVED him.
oh. finally-- the REAL coda to my first time getting beat up by the tweakers and their dog: one of the guys i met while dealing with the cops and the witnesses and the neighbors, was a big huge gang guy named Lou. i met a lot of people that night after i got my ass beat...
so many weeks later after i'd long since healed up, i ran into the big huge guy on the corner as i was walking back from dancing and walked between him and his friends and i nodded and said, "Lou, right?"
and his head BAM! splattered more brains EVERYWHERE because his mind was blown that i remember HIS name after all that so long ago.
THAT was my future Aikido trip with the ONE witness who saw it!
i had to tell you that.
so there./ i wrote a lot but i wanted to let you all know what happened and that i was glad i chose X1 because i can't go down the line wherever i go, you know?
i have to pick ONE in ONE WORLD so no drama and crossings later. keep romance clean. because nothing is LESS sexy than being in a room of people who've all had each other.
they may be able to brag about who had better sex with whom but no one believes it when someone finally admits they love them in private. they've heard it a thousand times before.
make your world and keep it special. protect it. spheres of protection... when you INVITE someone IN to one you make for them and protect it, they will look at YOU like santa claus is real too, because NO ONE DOES THAT ANYMORE.
i'm telling other super freak baby artists all this. you older ones do what you're gonna do.
i wanna show the baby curious daring freaks how to have fun with the terrors and embarrassments we secretly get off on courting.
i'm looking at you, trolls. especially you the one this week with the biblical head for the avatar, the one turned backwards.
could you be more translucently OBVIOUS? i love people when i'm not hating them.
when you know how to look everything's in huge lights spelled out with footnotes and page citations.
so there. that was another long ass post to hopefully add up to five short one-liners.
remember... turn away from relying on the counts.
five people here will crush anyone else's vapid meaningless mouth-breathing 50,000
that's why this march i'm disappearing to put my german side into motion and binge and get cleaning and doing some legal moves on my slummy management company.
because the brazilian sisters upstairs are nannies who were going through all our recycling before they made bank on their apartments and when i said no more, i got in the way of their reason for being in america, their MONEY and i've been attacked by the sisters and had the two men threaten to throw me over the railings and after this i've gotta secure home and get into legal fighting mode as well as protective mode.
so those are the Codas i owe you.
and Papa G, i hope if covids subside this summer i hope you name new open posts in its place with titles more like "covid cum war" and so on. i think the list will get long with covid spacers.
thanks for putting up with all my writings. thanks Papa G for letting me be ME. thank you each for real. i was really hating humans til this place.
xxxxxxxx....more more!
--erika
p.s. X1 and i are either past or future friends. it's enlightened self interest to treat loves like the one and only. it's like standing up full tits out. like falling on your knees to surrender to a love.. you're not as weak and pathetic as you'd assumed. hardly.
you're better than ...santa who? santa me!
good night. i had to get up and write a fiftieth good bye letter because tomorrow's the first. i need deadlines to finish or i feel like things will go on FOREVER. and tomorrow's new open post. i wanted to close out with something anyone could ignore and never have to look at again because it's the end of the week.
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branchandroot
CODAS...
Date: 2022-03-01 09:13 am (UTC)(i climbed out of bed to get James' computer and write this before bed and the actual real March 1st day)
DJ-X1 and i eventually met after an amazing trippy courtship. his compliment broke me of Wardy's spell and after four years i was over Wardy after one long one-hour kiss outside our gym when he came up to me while i was dancing and broke in and hugged me and we kissed out there for at least an hour.
we never did that again. he kissed me again while dancing but i didn't know he was inside the gym and i reeked of raw garlic from spreading it on my bagel for the bite and he kissed me anyway and we were next to the homeless encampment and occasionally the whiff of fresh feces enveloped us.
it wasn't romantic but we courted nasty from afar and fought when he stood me up three times each time more evil and horrid until i realized i didn't know how to love and i fell to all fours before him at the gym in front of all his friends with a love letter in my mouth apologizing.
the looks in ALL their eyes showed me i didn't look as pathetic as i'd always assumed such a public position would look. i was santa claus and i was real to them! even the gay one!
anyhow when super stoic DJ-X1 picked up on my crush and wrote me that he liked curly hair, i was free of Wardy. i wrote about Wardy on my site long ago.
because i avoided Wardy that coming saturday because i knew he'd be able to read my eyes and i didn't have it in me to look away or avoid him because i said i'd do this thing of ours where i was all his to watch look at stare at while i was dancing or lifting weights and the thing i loved about him most was that he didn't CARE what anyone thought about him and i knew why
because he'd already been ...he'd already died and come back. no one had anything on King Daddy but he didn't know it
i couldn't fxck him in those four years because i knew he'd kill me / i was too soft now. when i died as i was i couldn't go back to being a hard bitch whore lady with fake swagger and cynicism anymore
although did i EVER? now i question everything over and over because answers do somersaults like the cat here with his future Aikido moves
speaking of future later Aikido moves mine that time i got beat up by the tweakers wasn't being chill smooth when it was all over; nah. coda to that part was as soon as i was in the bathtub washing up with James in the living room nearby, i sobbed and sobbed like a baby like the boy outside because yeah... i was one of THEM! why'd they have to do that?
my feelings were hurt. but violence... there's that break down nausea shaky part that comes after.
i had that earlier tonight about this seeming calm. that's why i'm actually hella worried ...it reminds me of that calm after a bad holiday when i'm shunned to my room nowhere to go no school everyone with their families then i'm let out after many fetal position cries and who REMEMBERS?
oh it's so good to see you again i love you yeah i'll be GOOD
and bam... before you know it there's a new fxcking variant which is really their crapped out immunities taking on lice and we're back to it because
covid hit a spot a love spot a romantic much needed in desperation romantic spot now that sexiness is dead and ukraine isn't.. well the protests again russia feel so... well like someone said about the U.S. convoy... something's MISSING...
so ADE may become their reclining wasting deaths. but no one dies like divas in america. not anymore.
and i fear they will have learned that too late.
two years in and we're all squinting into the sunlight of their "love" just like i did in high school when i stayed put because i wanted to be more RESPECTABLE stable...
but i was never more loved and cherished than when i was a runaway with the so-called riff raff
back to Wardy... so i didn't wanna go that saturday and have him see my eyes because even platonic nastiness and love letters so hot so mad i got slippery if i felt him in the room and he'd have to face walls to wait before he left
his shorts were big but if you read my site or saw the meme they made about him then you know weren't no shorts big enough to hide when that man was loving me the most
anyhow... so i didn't show on that saturday and when i went in monday his friend who was in love with him secretly too (we all knew) he told me he died of a heart attack in his sleep with his woman who dared take all him on
i was afraid. he'd be like inhaling a fire hydrant and i never was a size queen because in the bronx the boys looked at jordache asses in the street and said the women with gaps had huge loose vaginas inside
so i never wanted to be that stretched out where people could tell
urban myths stay just as long as these masks will
so Wardy died and i screamed and sobbed on my knees outside on the sidewalk until some construction workers came over and helped me breathe right
so DJ X1...
i chose him out of all of 'em there because i'd heard his show when i first moved here and he took me back to the bronx and how i felt and how the WORLD felt
disco was going on and pedophilia was everywhere in the open / that's why all the paybacks now
but it was brooke shields and calvins and jodie foster and last tango in paris buttery sodomy scenes and poofy fresh unapologetic pubic hair and
death. / it was all about their fears of death so they all wanted to drink the blood of virgins to be clean. myths about shtupping young girls to clear yourself of AIDS was the same archetypal story
but nothing is sexy anymore because you can't be bad and sex is all bad and nastiness and wrongness to be truly GOOD. at least to me. feminist porn only stresses me the hell out. i can't jerk off to sesame street. not yet anyhow.
let me consider a few more dogs first before i resort to googly eyed felty puppets.
although... on second thought...
anyhow:
DJ-X1
we met
he picked me up outside Mission High across from Dolores and held hands and without my asking he answered every odd question i would've asked and it was perfect
but again not to be
all these ...affairs are better than ...well, i only recently admitted that i always get the best of people because once things go the expected routes it gets hella boring because everyone falls into the same old traps
i like to get people off guard and fresh new unexpected baby soft and full of wonder in their eyes
like once they glance at their phones it's time to go
being like this you get reputations and i go with it. they protect me. let people start rumours and create auras FOR you. auras of "stay away."
only the right ones will dare to venture for. right meaning it could be only 10 minutes before you're done.
nothing and everything doesn't have to be forever when you're naked like this. demand people respect the space you make open and leave for them...
like Papa G expects.
BE and ACT like The Pretty One. don't repeat it in any mirror. assume it in your bearing and the mirrors of people reflecting you back yourself will keep you going
it's hard to stand tall with your tits out in an era of neck horns and skinny flabby bodies dreams and morals
DJ-X1 told me out of nowhere he once got fired from a driving job for refusing to cut his locks. and i knew he was safe to love: because his god comes before any PERSON.
but he's a libra and libras i love because they're alpha that way. i love most about James that he will not let me take him down no matter how much he needs or loves me. for that i trust him to handle himself when i cannot handle MYSELF.
and i trust and need that kind of level headedness in this crazy world.
now you all see why.
and thus X1 is still one of the few people, along with the station manager, who did not go for the vax stories like everyone else there. one of the original founders died of two heart attacks after his vaccine.
no one but the station manager will admit it.
they cannot. and they LOVED him.
oh. finally-- the REAL coda to my first time getting beat up by the tweakers and their dog: one of the guys i met while dealing with the cops and the witnesses and the neighbors, was a big huge gang guy named Lou. i met a lot of people that night after i got my ass beat...
so many weeks later after i'd long since healed up, i ran into the big huge guy on the corner as i was walking back from dancing and walked between him and his friends and i nodded and said, "Lou, right?"
and his head BAM! splattered more brains EVERYWHERE because his mind was blown that i remember HIS name after all that so long ago.
THAT was my future Aikido trip with the ONE witness who saw it!
i had to tell you that.
so there./ i wrote a lot but i wanted to let you all know what happened and that i was glad i chose X1 because i can't go down the line wherever i go, you know?
i have to pick ONE in ONE WORLD so no drama and crossings later. keep romance clean. because nothing is LESS sexy than being in a room of people who've all had each other.
they may be able to brag about who had better sex with whom but no one believes it when someone finally admits they love them in private. they've heard it a thousand times before.
make your world and keep it special. protect it. spheres of protection... when you INVITE someone IN to one you make for them and protect it, they will look at YOU like santa claus is real too, because NO ONE DOES THAT ANYMORE.
i'm telling other super freak baby artists all this. you older ones do what you're gonna do.
i wanna show the baby curious daring freaks how to have fun with the terrors and embarrassments we secretly get off on courting.
i'm looking at you, trolls. especially you the one this week with the biblical head for the avatar, the one turned backwards.
could you be more translucently OBVIOUS? i love people when i'm not hating them.
when you know how to look everything's in huge lights spelled out with footnotes and page citations.
so there. that was another long ass post to hopefully add up to five short one-liners.
remember... turn away from relying on the counts.
five people here will crush anyone else's vapid meaningless mouth-breathing 50,000
that's why this march i'm disappearing to put my german side into motion and binge and get cleaning and doing some legal moves on my slummy management company.
because the brazilian sisters upstairs are nannies who were going through all our recycling before they made bank on their apartments and when i said no more, i got in the way of their reason for being in america, their MONEY and i've been attacked by the sisters and had the two men threaten to throw me over the railings and after this i've gotta secure home and get into legal fighting mode as well as protective mode.
so those are the Codas i owe you.
and Papa G, i hope if covids subside this summer i hope you name new open posts in its place with titles more like "covid cum war" and so on. i think the list will get long with covid spacers.
thanks for putting up with all my writings. thanks Papa G for letting me be ME. thank you each for real. i was really hating humans til this place.
xxxxxxxx....more more!
--erika
p.s. X1 and i are either past or future friends. it's enlightened self interest to treat loves like the one and only. it's like standing up full tits out. like falling on your knees to surrender to a love.. you're not as weak and pathetic as you'd assumed. hardly.
you're better than ...santa who? santa me!
good night. i had to get up and write a fiftieth good bye letter because tomorrow's the first. i need deadlines to finish or i feel like things will go on FOREVER. and tomorrow's new open post. i wanted to close out with something anyone could ignore and never have to look at again because it's the end of the week.