WOW, rq, that's amazing that you'd picked up on my immense SHAME because i had to re-read as i didn't think i'd been open about my shame here. but yes! you picked up on it because it's immense for me: i feel like a warrior dying not on his feet, but in a hospital all plugged in with lots of numbing drugs. (smile)
i've been sobbing all day and depressed about my need to "take it." the thing that got me is that if i lost, which could've been likely even if i had a sympathetic jury, they might be directed to rule on a narrow list of perimeters and i could be forced to move within TWO WEEKS. maybe three if i was lucky.
it'd take me years to come back from that kind of set back, if i could come back at all. i'm pretty burnt out. it's like running a marathon on your own bloody stumps and being told you've got ten feet but it's ten hundred MILES left. i'm shocked i've taken as much as i have when so little rocks these folks' worlds, but i'm also very much still affected by it. i'm not free.
(yet.)
i believe i will be free and even forget their names one day because that's where i try to get to.
but shame... yes... you felt it. i was all sewn up. see, this stuff that happened to Trump isn't an anomaly. their rules change depending on who they pick and who called in as victim first. then you're in your rigid villain role. you men know this. who am i telling? but the rules seem rigid but are slanted towards the type of people who see and think their way.
we don't have a shot unless we coddle our victimhood and groom it into a bitter monster.
there's a code and i can't code switch "bougie colored girl." it's a weird mixture of humility but it's pretentious because you're winking that you're EQUAL. colored women do it with each other. it's the damndest thing. it's not as subtle as other code switching. you have to slant how you proudly say "your honor" and so many of the judges are women.
it's all emotions. with everyone. men/women included. they're run by their emotions even though they pretend to speak logically. and there's a definite hierarchy but you know you could be there, too. it's "All About Eve" in Hollytown but in gov't and academic jobs.
you're right i can plan and i AM. that was funny about turning into a pillar of salt.
and yes, it is like a stay of execution, because surviving out there on market rent not knowing what to do... EEEK!
but i also feel FREE. free to LEAVE... when i want. i like that i can take off and leave everything behind as long as i pay the rent.
---
and yes... a lot CAN happen while i'm teaching the horse to sing. that's perfect. i love fairy tales and found an old Kay Neilsen book of his art that got ruined in the garage and i ripped all the art aside and am looking at it like a newspaper with all the facts telling me what to do. i grew up on Kay Neilsen's art in those old Norse Faery Tales where the mothers are still eating their children to clear way for a new husband.
but yeah. the SHAME. i was ready to self immolate and get the kitties somewhere safe. thanks for saying i didn't punk out when i didn't even know to ask that of anyone.
Re: erika update
WOW, rq, that's amazing that you'd picked up on my immense SHAME because i had to re-read as i didn't think i'd been open about my shame here. but yes! you picked up on it because it's immense for me: i feel like a warrior dying not on his feet, but in a hospital all plugged in with lots of numbing drugs. (smile)
i've been sobbing all day and depressed about my need to "take it." the thing that got me is that if i lost, which could've been likely even if i had a sympathetic jury, they might be directed to rule on a narrow list of perimeters and i could be forced to move within TWO WEEKS. maybe three if i was lucky.
it'd take me years to come back from that kind of set back, if i could come back at all. i'm pretty burnt out. it's like running a marathon on your own bloody stumps and being told you've got ten feet but it's ten hundred MILES left. i'm shocked i've taken as much as i have when so little rocks these folks' worlds, but i'm also very much still affected by it. i'm not free.
(yet.)
i believe i will be free and even forget their names one day because that's where i try to get to.
but shame... yes... you felt it. i was all sewn up. see, this stuff that happened to Trump isn't an anomaly. their rules change depending on who they pick and who called in as victim first. then you're in your rigid villain role. you men know this. who am i telling? but the rules seem rigid but are slanted towards the type of people who see and think their way.
we don't have a shot unless we coddle our victimhood and groom it into a bitter monster.
there's a code and i can't code switch "bougie colored girl." it's a weird mixture of humility but it's pretentious because you're winking that you're EQUAL. colored women do it with each other. it's the damndest thing. it's not as subtle as other code switching. you have to slant how you proudly say "your honor" and so many of the judges are women.
it's all emotions. with everyone. men/women included. they're run by their emotions even though they pretend to speak logically. and there's a definite hierarchy but you know you could be there, too. it's "All About Eve" in Hollytown but in gov't and academic jobs.
you're right i can plan and i AM. that was funny about turning into a pillar of salt.
and yes, it is like a stay of execution, because surviving out there on market rent not knowing what to do... EEEK!
but i also feel FREE. free to LEAVE... when i want. i like that i can take off and leave everything behind as long as i pay the rent.
---
and yes... a lot CAN happen while i'm teaching the horse to sing. that's perfect. i love fairy tales and found an old Kay Neilsen book of his art that got ruined in the garage and i ripped all the art aside and am looking at it like a newspaper with all the facts telling me what to do. i grew up on Kay Neilsen's art in those old Norse Faery Tales where the mothers are still eating their children to clear way for a new husband.
but yeah. the SHAME. i was ready to self immolate and get the kitties somewhere safe. thanks for saying i didn't punk out when i didn't even know to ask that of anyone.
x
erika