In all honesty this project has been incredibly inspirational ever since you first announced that you were working on it.
A few notes: These are lovely You seem well learned on Germanic and Anglo-Saxon Literary conventions, but a few I would offer to spice things up and make the lines flow more readily is making use of Sprung Rhythm which organizes lines by a number of feet but an indeterminate number of syllables. Gerard Manley Hopkins practiced with it extensively and claimed to have discovered it in nursey rhymes, but to my knowledge, not a lot of people have taken up the torch. This is a shame because it is perfect for making language sound more... raw, for lack of a better term
Something else that makes English poetry sing is varied repetition. I don't know why this developed, though I have a few guesses which are not particularly relevant. If you have the option to repeat a word or use a synonym, do the latter. There are places for literal repetition, but the soft repetition of multiple similar names help the reader or the faithful form deep associations about what is being expanded upon.
Additionally, I know you've looked deeply into the Western Christian Literature on the Rosary. The Christian East has no such tradition to speak of, though there is a so-called rule of St. Seraphim which is a plagiarized rosary. The "Hail Mary" in the Greek, Syriac, and Slavonic speaking east may be a source of inspiration:
Rejoice Virgin Mother of God, Mary full of Grace, the Lord is with Thee Blessed art Thou amongst women and Blessed is the fruit of thy womb for Thou hast given birth + To Christ the Savior, the Redeemer of our Souls.
Which compares thusly:
Hail Mary, full of grace The Lord is with Thee Blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary Mother of God Pray for us sinners Now and in the hour of our death Amen.
This being said, here are some suggestions without moving too much around. I've also included the scansion of your meter in case you'd like to toy with that later.
Re: "Hail Idun" Variants, and Any Questions of Which to Ask More?
A few notes:
These are lovely
You seem well learned on Germanic and Anglo-Saxon Literary conventions, but a few I would offer to spice things up and make the lines flow more readily is making use of Sprung Rhythm which organizes lines by a number of feet but an indeterminate number of syllables. Gerard Manley Hopkins practiced with it extensively and claimed to have discovered it in nursey rhymes, but to my knowledge, not a lot of people have taken up the torch. This is a shame because it is perfect for making language sound more... raw, for lack of a better term
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sprung_rhythm
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Germanic_and_Latinate_equivalents_in_English
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Linguistic_purism_in_English
Something else that makes English poetry sing is varied repetition. I don't know why this developed, though I have a few guesses which are not particularly relevant. If you have the option to repeat a word or use a synonym, do the latter. There are places for literal repetition, but the soft repetition of multiple similar names help the reader or the faithful form deep associations about what is being expanded upon.
Additionally, I know you've looked deeply into the Western Christian Literature on the Rosary. The Christian East has no such tradition to speak of, though there is a so-called rule of St. Seraphim which is a plagiarized rosary. The "Hail Mary" in the Greek, Syriac, and Slavonic speaking east may be a source of inspiration:
Rejoice Virgin Mother of God,
Mary full of Grace, the Lord is with Thee
Blessed art Thou amongst women
and Blessed is the fruit of thy womb for Thou hast given birth
+ To Christ the Savior, the Redeemer of our Souls.
Which compares thusly:
Hail Mary, full of grace
The Lord is with Thee
Blessed art thou amongst women
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary
Mother of God
Pray for us sinners
Now and in the hour of our death
Amen.
This being said, here are some suggestions without moving too much around.
I've also included the scansion of your meter in case you'd like to toy with that later.
Way 1
//_ Hail Idun,
/__/ Yggdrasil's Seed,
/__/_ Life-giving Lady,
/__/ Love-giving *Queen*.
/_/_ Blessed Idun,
/___/_ *Goddess ale-giving,*
/__/_ *Blossom of Healing,*
/_/_/ Quench our thirst for thee.
Way 2
//_ Hail Idun,
//__ Heart's Opener,
/__/_ Lady love-giving,
/__/_ *Goddess* life-giving.
/_/ Bless us with
/_/ Blissful drink,
/_/_ Ale age-helping,
/_/__ Mead mind-opening.
Way 3
//_ Hail Idun,
//__ Heart Gladdener,
/__/_ *Lady love-giving,*
_/_/__ *Beloved life-giver.*
/_/_ Blissful Idun,
/__ Bless us with *quenched*
/_/_ Thirst with thanks, *and*
/_/__/_ Soul awakened to seeking.