...cynicism is an Old World indulgence because it is a passive, sedentary response dripping with effeminate effete "do me" entitlement.
it doesn't create because the act of creation is antithetical to real cynicism.
so then it's often armor. for a child's broken heart.
but when you feeling an adult, full of one's own AGENCY, you have a sense of honor. a code of conduct for yourself.
and when i died as i was and wanted to suicide, the moments i glimpsed how LOVED i was an wanting to die was coming in THEIR faces, i saw it... i saw myself as a petulant, "Who do you think YOU are?"
because Americans or maybe all of us in the west, we had all these "High Expectations." to become what? the best CFO in a company?
the dream has been rancid a long ass time.
anyhow, i wanted to die because I WANTED IN. i WANTED TO BELONG. and when i couldn't have it all -- be myself and not be the token -- i lost it all... but gained EVERYTHING.
that's why i cannot advocate this enough, this Living Suicide thing.
so i wanted to die because i was cynical about how fixed everything was and how soulless and cheap everyone in the book biz was and art and music... everything i loved...
and we'd ALL long since whored ourselves out.
to make a buck.
how you gonna go against in a world where we can't afford to live in our own countries anymore????
so then i watched the birds in Rudy's mom's bird bath and realized how much James loved me and how much i had and i was SUICIDAL because i had such "High Expectations" for myself?
EW! i had worms! this American Dream got wormy.
anyhow, i realized i was being an absolute BITCH.
i'd like to say that was that, i got it. no way. illusions and dreams leave stains and echos and i'd relapse because the reality of going on crappy job interviews on craigslist is its own rung in hell.
so it took me a few years to mourn who i was how i thought it was supposed to go, but when i awoke as the more recent Me, i now see how the cynic is like going on a road trip with Eyore.
during these Apocalyptic times, pick your side kicks and best friends with much care.
i've found that when i've got a temporary mild case of cynicism, i myself DO the thing i'm accusing others of falling short of. and LO! does that put it in perspective AND it actually reinforces my IDEALISM and ROMANTICISM because like the old adage about for every ONE cockroach you see, there are 50 more YOU DON'T SEE behind the wall... THAT is how i multiply my own romance and idealism exponentially. because if I can come clean about something horrible i've done, THEN OTHERS DO IT, TOO!
(i've used the same rationale to forgive myself for weird fantasies, too, so buyer beware of buying what i'm pitching you)
and to pick up on Mark's (?) requoting of was it Maya Angelou? "pay attention when people show you who they are"
I DO! i love that quote from long ago because i live that way and use it ALL ways.
so cynics actually are telling you that they are dead weight and never really actually create anything new out of nothing AND they don't surprise themselves by forcing themselves to step up to much of ANYTHING (hence the cynicism).
cynics are very much in a beta "show me tell me" position instead of DOING.
you may be cynical as a famous or wealthy entrepreneurial person who attracts whores eunuchs and fawns, but i tend to think those are just the fake cynics because people who build and create will also habitually keep looking for romance and purity like strung out gamblers they won't QUIT.
so those are fake scratch'em cynics who're romantics maybe to a fault or in extreme.
so that's my take on why cynicism is like acid to any future where we're creating our own way out of now way. / we have to vibrate to a certain chord to even envision SEE it... VIBE it.
(smile)
there. that's my take on why cynicism is HELLA played out.
plus, cynics can't shtup for nothing. / this is a new era of warmth and romance and cuddling. everyone's been too damn nasty too long. time to hold hands first since no one can look at EYES anymore. the young masked cashier at trader joe's said she gets anxious when she looks in anyone's eyes.
from here on out, as a writer and artist, i hope to make cynicism look as appealing as being farted on by someone you don't like, in a closed car driving through greely, colorado.
Thoughts on Cynicism
it doesn't create because the act of creation is antithetical to real cynicism.
so then it's often armor. for a child's broken heart.
but when you feeling an adult, full of one's own AGENCY, you have a sense of honor. a code of conduct for yourself.
and when i died as i was and wanted to suicide, the moments i glimpsed how LOVED i was an wanting to die was coming in THEIR faces, i saw it... i saw myself as a petulant, "Who do you think YOU are?"
because Americans or maybe all of us in the west, we had all these "High Expectations." to become what? the best CFO in a company?
the dream has been rancid a long ass time.
anyhow, i wanted to die because I WANTED IN. i WANTED TO BELONG. and when i couldn't have it all -- be myself and not be the token -- i lost it all... but gained EVERYTHING.
that's why i cannot advocate this enough, this Living Suicide thing.
so i wanted to die because i was cynical about how fixed everything was and how soulless and cheap everyone in the book biz was and art and music... everything i loved...
and we'd ALL long since whored ourselves out.
to make a buck.
how you gonna go against in a world where we can't afford to live in our own countries anymore????
so then i watched the birds in Rudy's mom's bird bath and realized how much James loved me and how much i had and i was SUICIDAL because i had such "High Expectations" for myself?
EW! i had worms! this American Dream got wormy.
anyhow, i realized i was being an absolute BITCH.
i'd like to say that was that, i got it. no way. illusions and dreams leave stains and echos and i'd relapse because the reality of going on crappy job interviews on craigslist is its own rung in hell.
so it took me a few years to mourn who i was how i thought it was supposed to go, but when i awoke as the more recent Me, i now see how the cynic is like going on a road trip with Eyore.
during these Apocalyptic times, pick your side kicks and best friends with much care.
i've found that when i've got a temporary mild case of cynicism, i myself DO the thing i'm accusing others of falling short of. and LO! does that put it in perspective AND it actually reinforces my IDEALISM and ROMANTICISM because like the old adage about for every ONE cockroach you see, there are 50 more YOU DON'T SEE behind the wall... THAT is how i multiply my own romance and idealism exponentially. because if I can come clean about something horrible i've done, THEN OTHERS DO IT, TOO!
(i've used the same rationale to forgive myself for weird fantasies, too, so buyer beware of buying what i'm pitching you)
and to pick up on Mark's (?) requoting of was it Maya Angelou? "pay attention when people show you who they are"
I DO! i love that quote from long ago because i live that way and use it ALL ways.
so cynics actually are telling you that they are dead weight and never really actually create anything new out of nothing AND they don't surprise themselves by forcing themselves to step up to much of ANYTHING (hence the cynicism).
cynics are very much in a beta "show me tell me" position instead of DOING.
you may be cynical as a famous or wealthy entrepreneurial person who attracts whores eunuchs and fawns, but i tend to think those are just the fake cynics because people who build and create will also habitually keep looking for romance and purity like strung out gamblers they won't QUIT.
so those are fake scratch'em cynics who're romantics maybe to a fault or in extreme.
so that's my take on why cynicism is like acid to any future where we're creating our own way out of now way. / we have to vibrate to a certain chord to even envision SEE it... VIBE it.
(smile)
there. that's my take on why cynicism is HELLA played out.
plus, cynics can't shtup for nothing. / this is a new era of warmth and romance and cuddling. everyone's been too damn nasty too long. time to hold hands first since no one can look at EYES anymore. the young masked cashier at trader joe's said she gets anxious when she looks in anyone's eyes.
from here on out, as a writer and artist, i hope to make cynicism look as appealing as being farted on by someone you don't like, in a closed car driving through greely, colorado.
x
erika