Hello, another (probably older) biologist here. Wanted to write to say I am thinking of you and I wish you all the courage and discernment you need.
Journalling and prayer have already been mentioned.
Also, logs. Dated formal writing. You possibly had to do reflective research related writing, critical incident analysis and so on in your graduate degree(s) and may have used those logs as evidence for development assessments for teaching practice or whatever. Those are a very useful tool and may help you refine your thinking as you work forward. I would recommend pen and paper. Writing clearly helps with thinking clearly. It may be that it helps you to see how to wriggle to loosen the knot a little.
Also, are you practicing anything like our host's recommended sphere of protection https://ecosophia.dreamwidth.org/tag/sphere+of+protection and meditation practices https://ecosophia.dreamwidth.org/tag/discursive+meditation? Two great tools there for keeping steady, and gradually increasing your power to act.
Re: Pandora's box
Journalling and prayer have already been mentioned.
Also, logs. Dated formal writing. You possibly had to do reflective research related writing, critical incident analysis and so on in your graduate degree(s) and may have used those logs as evidence for development assessments for teaching practice or whatever. Those are a very useful tool and may help you refine your thinking as you work forward. I would recommend pen and paper. Writing clearly helps with thinking clearly. It may be that it helps you to see how to wriggle to loosen the knot a little.
Also, are you practicing anything like our host's recommended sphere of protection https://ecosophia.dreamwidth.org/tag/sphere+of+protection and meditation practices https://ecosophia.dreamwidth.org/tag/discursive+meditation? Two great tools there for keeping steady, and gradually increasing your power to act.