I was going through my archive and found a text file marked "pagan lightbulb jokes" that was pulled from an internet archive of an old early 2000s web 1.0 page, which I only found because it was buried in some links at the end of another obscure archived webpage that lambasted the kind of "fluffy bunny" wiccans that make normal wiccans cringe. It's a crazy blast from the past, most of the jokes deal with the dozens of offshoots and branches of wicca (who knew there was something called Erisian Wicca) but a few of them I thought might make some other commentators smile:
How many Druids does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change the lightbulb, and five hundred to align the new stone.
How many Heathens does it take to change a lightbulb? One to hold the bulb up, and enough to drink until the room spins.
How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb? "Well, what do you want the lightbulb changed into?"
How many Thelemites does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because every one of them is a star.
How many members of the Golden Dawn does it take to change a lightbulb? One to hold the ladder, one to hold the bulb, three to decipher the Light Bulb Ritual from the Secret Chiefs, one to publish it, and one to sue all the others.
How many Heathens does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the light from the burning monastery is perfectly sufficient, thank you!
How does a ceremonial magician change a lightbulb? He holds the bulb up to the socket and lets the universe revolve around him.
How many Kabbalists does it take to change a lightbulb? 368
How many neopagans does it take to change a lightbulb? Six. One to change the lightbulb and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs never burned out before those darned Christians came along!
How many New Agers does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change the lightbulb, and four to share the experience!
How do New Agers learn to change lightbulbs? Well, it takes many many years, unless you pay $650 US non refundable, Visa or MC accepted. Then you can do it after the weekend intensive training seminar.
How does Raymond Buckland change a light bulb? "Refer to my book, 'Practical Light Bulb Changing' by Raymond Buckland, followed by 'The Respectful Disposal of Light Fixtures' by Raymond Buckland, although some prefer my book 'Candle Lighting for Beginners' by Raymonod Buckland..."
All this talk about lightbulbs is making me wonder about the "ever burning lamps" mentioned in occult lore (Trithemius mentioned them I think?). Knowing what we know about thermodynamics, it seems unlikely there could be any kind of non-radioactive chemical material that produces light for hundreds of years (radioactive decay tends to be fatal when it's bright enough, or dim when it's safe enough). What do you think these "magic lamps" really were?
Let There Be Light!
How many Druids does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change the lightbulb, and five hundred to align the new stone.
How many Heathens does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to hold the bulb up, and enough to drink until the room spins.
How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Well, what do you want the lightbulb changed into?"
How many Thelemites does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because every one of them is a star.
How many members of the Golden Dawn does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to hold the ladder, one to hold the bulb, three to decipher the Light Bulb Ritual from the Secret Chiefs, one to publish it, and one to sue all the others.
How many Heathens does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the light from the burning monastery is perfectly sufficient, thank you!
How does a ceremonial magician change a lightbulb?
He holds the bulb up to the socket and lets the universe revolve around him.
How many Kabbalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
368
How many neopagans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to change the lightbulb and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs never burned out before those darned Christians came along!
How many New Agers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change the lightbulb, and four to share the experience!
How do New Agers learn to change lightbulbs?
Well, it takes many many years, unless you pay $650 US non refundable, Visa or MC accepted. Then you can do it after the weekend intensive training seminar.
How does Raymond Buckland change a light bulb?
"Refer to my book, 'Practical Light Bulb Changing' by Raymond Buckland, followed by 'The Respectful Disposal of Light Fixtures' by Raymond Buckland, although some prefer my book 'Candle Lighting for Beginners' by Raymonod Buckland..."
All this talk about lightbulbs is making me wonder about the "ever burning lamps" mentioned in occult lore (Trithemius mentioned them I think?). Knowing what we know about thermodynamics, it seems unlikely there could be any kind of non-radioactive chemical material that produces light for hundreds of years (radioactive decay tends to be fatal when it's bright enough, or dim when it's safe enough). What do you think these "magic lamps" really were?